At the end of 2023, I was deeply sad and laying on my floor. At some point, I looked up and saw my little studio setup from a perspective I never had before and I thought, “If I saw this in a movie, I would think the character about to be introduced is probably a cool protagonist.” And then I went back to crying.
Fast forward a few months to March and I was back on the floor weighing up my options after my roommate and I received (and accepted) the official notice that we will have to move in May.
There’s a longer version of the story, but the TL:DR recap is that since COVID, we have been paying very reduced rent. It has been a extreme financial gift wrapped in a curse of a questionable apartment that often involves mysteries like: Why is the ceiling in my bathroom leaking again? And why is it sewage? When will we have hot water? How did my package get stolen that quickly? And do you think those are rats or raccoons running around in the walls and ceilings? This apartment has been amazingly terrible in ways that only New York City can offer. And not having to pay full price, has afforded me the freedom of only having to sell my soul to the corporate world part-time for the last two years.
Now my comfort bubble is about to burst and when I think about returning to full-time office work that I hate, to afford an apartment that I’ll hardly see due to being at an office job that I hate – I get very anxious and very depressed. And also very angry because it doesn’t make sense to me. I have no problem working, I just don’t understand why it seems so unrealistic and unattainable to be employed in things I’m good at and actually enjoy.
So that’s the headspace I’ve been in for the past few weeks, including when I posted a reel that got a lot of engagement (for me) that was referencing a reality of the internet niche I dwell in, where run-of-the-mill white men request and receive accolades and financial incentives just for showing up. And after posting that reel, a prime example of such a white man sauntered into my DMs to offer to introduce me to someone I already know. 😐 And over the next couple of days and DM exchanges, my indignation level just continued to rise even as I became more and more aware of how far I had let my own sense of self-worth fall. It wasn’t a big deal that some self-important dude had no idea of who I am and what I’m capable of, but it was a huge deal to realize how much I had forgotten. How much I had bought into all the devaluing and doubting of how good I am, and how much what I have to offer could and should be worth.
So I started going back to my works. Started reminding myself of things I have made and produced, and things I know how to do. And instead of looking at it all as old news/not enough and feeling the pressure of having to go even bigger to prove my worth again; I acted as if I was a mediocre white man and I just congratulated myself.
And then I decided to brush off Heart For This House.
As far as my internet ready work goes, it’s one of the “biggest” things I’ve done – it’s a spoof of Hillsong’s annual “Heart For The House” offering and it’s got a little bit of everything I love – writing, humor, sketches, my friends, music, making fun of evangelicalism – it’s a good time! And, I think, a great resume.
So I’m putting it out now to show my work and try to do what seems impossible – stay in New York while staying out of full-time corporate work.
As of this writing, I’ve got about five weeks left of my little studio being as it is, where it is. And just over ten days to decide what to start packing for – do I stay in New York? Go back to California? Do I accept the expected defeat and just cooperate with capitalism? Or do I cosplay the confidence of a mediocre man and just say what I want?
I want to stay in New York. I’m happy to stay at my part-time job, I just want to spend the rest of my time working and get paid for creating/making/doing things that I’m good at and that are meaningful.
So as you read this and/or as you watch Heart For This House, please think of me and ways you might be willing and able to be part of helping me get off the floor and make that cool protagonist I imagine I could be, into a reality.
If you're reading this, it's already too late. JK! It'll never be too late, but it might be too early. Heart For This House will be released and available for my patrons (Friends of Jod, The Jodwilling and Jodly) on Friday, April 5th at 10AM ET and then for everyone else on Sunday, April 7th at 10AM ET. (If you don't want to wait for the public release, you can become a patron now and get into it!)
